Thursday, 2 July 2015

To Be Consumed

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Some people know me as the one who says sorry too much
Apologizing for the sake of apologizing, because I’m sorry
but I can’t be the person you want me to be
I can’t be the one that follows you around and makes you feel safe
because I don’t always feel safe.

That’s not to say that I don’t want you to feel safe around me
Because I do.

But I can’t give someone something that I don’t myself have
I can’t securely give you security while I’m insecure
in the thought that I have what I need, that I’m living how I want, how I need.

I have needs too, and I’ve been frowned on and looked down on
and stepped on by those who wanted to get ahead of me
but I don’t hate them. I respect them.

Because they’re willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want in life
even if that means losing friends.
And maybe that’s because they have.
Maybe it’s because they’ve been hurt in the past and they,
they don’t let anyone in anymore because they’re afraid.

Afraid of being hurt again so they reach.
They reach for the only thing they have left to reach for.
And they can’t afford to stop to let someone in while on the way there.
or maybe, maybe they just won’t let anything hold them down.

but there’s a fatal flaw.
Whether you’ve been hurt in the past, or if you don’t want anyone to hold you down.
You’re still acting out of fear.

Fear of letting someone in.
Fear of being hurt again.
Fear of someone holding you down.

But trust me...I’ve seen these things before. Been on the outside looking in.

Been part of the audience at the circus of freaks.
But I’ve also been on stage.
I’ve been the main attraction.

The lion tamer, the bearded lady, the strong man.
The don’t hold a candle to me.

Because I’ve been consumed by fears.
I’ve watched it devour everything...
everyone...
I’ve ever loved.

Then I watched it’s gaping jaws descend on me
And I’ve watched as my life was consumed by it.

The fear.

And I won’t let it consume anymore.