Thursday, 2 July 2015

To Be Consumed

bird-383245_640

Some people know me as the one who says sorry too much
Apologizing for the sake of apologizing, because I’m sorry
but I can’t be the person you want me to be
I can’t be the one that follows you around and makes you feel safe
because I don’t always feel safe.

That’s not to say that I don’t want you to feel safe around me
Because I do.

But I can’t give someone something that I don’t myself have
I can’t securely give you security while I’m insecure
in the thought that I have what I need, that I’m living how I want, how I need.

I have needs too, and I’ve been frowned on and looked down on
and stepped on by those who wanted to get ahead of me
but I don’t hate them. I respect them.

Because they’re willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want in life
even if that means losing friends.
And maybe that’s because they have.
Maybe it’s because they’ve been hurt in the past and they,
they don’t let anyone in anymore because they’re afraid.

Afraid of being hurt again so they reach.
They reach for the only thing they have left to reach for.
And they can’t afford to stop to let someone in while on the way there.
or maybe, maybe they just won’t let anything hold them down.

but there’s a fatal flaw.
Whether you’ve been hurt in the past, or if you don’t want anyone to hold you down.
You’re still acting out of fear.

Fear of letting someone in.
Fear of being hurt again.
Fear of someone holding you down.

But trust me...I’ve seen these things before. Been on the outside looking in.

Been part of the audience at the circus of freaks.
But I’ve also been on stage.
I’ve been the main attraction.

The lion tamer, the bearded lady, the strong man.
The don’t hold a candle to me.

Because I’ve been consumed by fears.
I’ve watched it devour everything...
everyone...
I’ve ever loved.

Then I watched it’s gaping jaws descend on me
And I’ve watched as my life was consumed by it.

The fear.

And I won’t let it consume anymore.


Friday, 19 June 2015

Tell Me How it Feels



Close your eyes and picture this
A loving smile, a tender kiss
Now tell me how it feels to fall
To hear life’s warning, to heed love’s call

A soft caress aside your face
Held in a kind and gentle embrace
Now tell me how it feels to dream
When the loneliness inside you screams.

A single tear on delicate skin
Comes from somewhere deep within
Now tell me how it feels to cry
Without the strength inside to try.

A moan of pleasure, it feels so good
Making love as lovers should
Now tell me how it feels to lust
When you don’t have the will to trust.

A look of anger, boiling blood
Rage, a river, the coming flood.
I’ll tell you why it feels so great
To finally know what it’s like to hate.


Play The Fool



Always shall I play the fool
You’ll see the surface, never through
My face hidden beneath the mask
That one day I hope to remove at last
And forever shall I hide myself.

To face the world with knuckles raised
Instead of hiding here in the haze
That the winds of change had carried strong
Into this place that I don’t belong
A place where the liars cannot follow.

I want to trust, to remove this guise
To see the love in another’s eyes
But the scars from the blades
That were hidden with praise
Have shielded my sight from the truth.

The world is full of liars and thieves
Who take what they want and do as they please
But I will won’t succumb to their worthless ruse
Because behind this lie I’ve nothing to lose
And they can’t see through my mask.

So forever I shall play the fool
You see the surface, never through
Behind this mask I hide my face
Because in life, I’ve lost my place.
And forever I shall hide myself.


Invisible


Sometimes I wish I was invisible
Then I could spy on my brother when he was with his friend
Or I could scare people by making objects float
I could be a pervert and sneak into the women’s changing room.

But mostly, because then I would look like how I feel.

Invisible.


Liar

I look around and what falls within my sight is different
It’s darker here, not black, but darker.
There is still sun here
It’s just buried within dark ominous clouds

I’m not afraid of the dark though
I’ve been in the dark before
But this is different.

Because this time no one is there to help me out of it.
There’s no one reaching for my hand to pull me free
No one to help me up if I should fall.
I’m alone here – truly alone.
In some ways I expected it.
To be betrayed by the ones I trusted
Because it’s happened so many times in the past.
But it hurts more this time.
The knife went deeper.

Do you remember what you said to me?
“You walk this path alone
but your friends are still there with you.
If you turn around we won’t be gone”

But when I turned around…
You were gone.
All of you…are gone.

You lied to me. You lied.

To be fair…I lied as well.
Because I told you that I trusted you
But how could I?
When all my life all I’ve heard is lies?
Lies and excuses.
Why should you be any different?

You’re a liar. Just like the rest of them.

But it’s okay…
So am I.


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The Rising Ire


It’s beautiful really, don’t you think?
The red that fills your eyes.
The rage replacing rationality
The one that’s sick of lies.

The rising ire from betrayal
With the knife still in your back
The blade that sits and numbs the flesh
The ropes that hold you to the rack

You try to fight it with naught but reason
But it defies your rationality
It fills you with a dark desire
and it disputes your reality

The knife is there you can’t refute
In your back the cold of steel
Radiates into your core
And anger is all you feel.

Give in to passionate beast
The indignation in your heart
The monster lurks inside of you
Let it tear you apart.

©2015 Alexander J. Hicks


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Thursday, 18 June 2015

It Will Not Scar My Heart

Where does the sunshine end and the dark of night begin?
When does the joy inside oneself give way to the dark within?
Where does the path of love give leave and the world falls away?
Where sunshine ends and night begins to engulf the light of day.

I dance the only dance I know, the one that stems the pain;
and step by step I move and sway, and hope it stops the rain.
But at every move and every turn the thunder sounds a drum
and reminds me of the life I live and that I cannot run.

Once upon a time I stepped to a rhythm of my own.
To a harmony and melody that I one time had grown;
and to that beat I danced and danced and quelled the little fears
that grew and grew and danced with me and with them grew my tears.

Until one day it hit me like the calm before the storm,
that on my mind the little fears had beaten, grabbed and torn.
Until the thoughts to which I stepped had began to bleed
and the little thoughts – anxieties – on them began to feed

My dance began to lose its fire, it’s passion, warmth, and zeal;
And the fears that ripped ferociously, began to feel so real
No longer could I dance and sway, to hide all that I felt,
with all my calm collected thoughts, my walls began to melt.

The rain it burned like acid and the thunder shook my core,
and although I tried to carry on, I knew that I could dance no more.
Beneath the weight of my own thoughts, I dropped down to my knees
and let the tears fall from my eyes as the ground began to freeze.

But just when I had given up, I saw a glimmer through the haze
A little spark, a light of hope, from my knees I began to raise
and the more I looked upon the light, the bigger it would grow
but the more I moved towards it, the further it would go.

When I stopped it did the same, but brighter still it grew
as it did I felt more and more that I would make it through.
Slowly I began to dance, to step and sway once more
despite the wind and driving rain, I’d never felt like this before.

Now I know that although strong, there is more here than the rain,
and as the light grows brighter I know that I can do the same
Although the storm has raged so long and left parts of me scarred
No matter how much it may try, it will not scar my heart.

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It Will Not Scar My Heart by Alexander.J.Hicks is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.

Asleep

Asleep is my favourite place to be.
It’s peaceful, almost happy
Because I’m not alone there.

It’s arriving and leaving
that poses a challenge.

When I lay down to sleep
I whisper “goodnight” to my window
And I hope that someone hears.

And when the sun peeks from beyond the water’s edge
I whisper “goodmorning” to my window
And I hope that someone hears.

And yet, I hear nothing.

A wisp of sadness leaves my lungs
on the wings of a sigh.
and my legs surrender to the weight of my words
and I fall back onto my bed.

15 more minutes…then I’ll try again.

©2015 Alex Hicks


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Words in Blood

When I write I hold the knife, and deep within I think
that with each poem that I write I spill more blood than ink

Because with each word that I know, that dares to grace the page,
my deepest thoughts, I delve into, and pour the blood away.

Much like the blackened ink that coats the tips of quills
Pages soak up blood drawn words like motion picture stills

And every stanza, every verse, blood letters on the sheet
From eternities of blinding pain, eternities words keep.

Within every poet, every artist, every piece
Ink flows where the blood once ran and never will it cease

and with every poem that I write, the artists cruel demand
a piece of me is drained away, and bled by my own hand.

So when I write I hold the knife, and deep within I think
that with each poem that I write, I spill more blood than ink.

©2015 Alex Hicks


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Arid Waters

Drink of the water of the sleepless.
The water which within itself tastes dry.


A thirst that cannot be quenched
but by the bourbon of another’s thoughts;
by the whiskey of another’s dreams


Getting drunk on thoughts and dreams
does naught but catch the mind
in nets like spiders webs.
Made of the lines
that once formed letters,
that once formed words,
that once formed thoughts.


Twisted, tangled, messy and chaotic;
the web of strings of letters and words
touches me like one would touch a lover.


A soft caress – a gentle kiss.


And the senselessness of twisted words
becomes clear within the passionate embrace.


In chaos there is order;
In madness there is sanity.
And drinking of another’s thoughts –
tasting of another’s dreams –

Is getting drunk from an arid well.

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Serene

Show me someone standing strong
Strained against the shame and sorrow
not slighted by the silent song.
Show me someone stronger still
Steadiness and iron will
A stormless serene symbol
of the smashed and shattered souls  

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Alone, There He Sits

A man sits alone
in the place he calls home
and he sits in his chair and he weeps


A tear in his seams
Has wounded his dreams
And upon him, slowly, death creeps


He’s not broken yet
But he can’t forget
How he pushed all of his loved ones away


And now he can tell
That in this living hell
That he’d wishes he’d just let them stay


Now see the blood drip
From his fingertips
As it pools at his feet on the floor.


He’s fought for so long
His defences are gone
And he can’t fight alone anymore


And the pieces he’s lost
That his choices have cost
Have torn his conscious to shreds


His own mind betrayed
Wants not to be saved
So now – there he sits – until dead.



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A Shard of Himself

He sits all alone in his room
Picking up what pieces he can
He can’t shake this feeling of doom
as he holds what is left in his hand

The shards have all fallen from him
Like glass from a fell picture frame
The pieces all fall from within
And no one remembers his name

No one remembers the tears
That glistened in his soft eyes
All he can see is the pain and the fear
And all those who told him the lies


He knows that he should regret
Hurting the ones who say that they care
Now waiting for deaths soft caress
Only now he admits that he’s scared


He thinks that he won’t be missed
No more chances, he can’t ask for help
Blood pours when he opens his wrist
With a jagged, sharp shard of himself.

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Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Light it Up


It’s time for me to light the fire
Light it up and burn it higher
One step closer, one at a time
I’m going to make my life mine.
The bigger the flame, the brighter the burn,
Easier to make my world turn
Round and round to change direction
To live my life at my discretion
For once the voice of anxiety
Doesn’t phase or frighten me
My voice is tiny but speaks true
That I will get better, I will break through
Because right now I am broken
But solace in the words I’ve spoken
Anxiety thinks for me, in my place
But soon enough I take my place.
My friends, they are my inspiration
The fire that burns, my motivation
They love me and I love them
And I know that I’ll be whole again.

©2015 Alex Hicks


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